Comparing Programming Languages in real life
There are so many programming languages available that it can be
very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right
one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals
to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming
languages that describes what kind of women they would be if
programming languages were women.
- Assembler
- A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is
hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up
any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not
beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP,
INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of
last resort.
- FORTRAN
- Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she
is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her
experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many
useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no
younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a
notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing
dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grand dad search for
another wife.
- COBOL
- A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says
can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can’t handle really
complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one
really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family,
but only knows bland recipes.
- BASIC
- The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She
teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because
it is their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but
because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly.
Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant,
it’s the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of
Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their
own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults
try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to
well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
- PL/I
- A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high
heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems
overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
- C -
A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check
everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper.
Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it
seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper
and more sophisticated character.
- ALGOL 60
- Your father’s wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and
sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your
dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He
never actually tasted much of her cooking.
- Pascal -
A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60’s younger sister. Like her
sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook
but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
- Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal’s daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.
- ALGOL 68
- Algol 60’s niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few
men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers
still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her
romances and won’t take just any man as her lover. She hasn’t been seen
lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
- LISP
- She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie
cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who
have visited the farmhouse,– enthusiastically praise the natural food,
and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long
cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix).
Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work,
their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for
their efficiency.
- APL
- A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table.
She doesn’t talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few
people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign
language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
- LOGO
- A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you
wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not
an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie
snacks, but not full-course meals.
- LUCID & PROLOG
- These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can
cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a
description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are
fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain
that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the
meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict
what these girls will be like when they are fully mature.
- Ada
- A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite
talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military
talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so. - Java
- Bulky with big boobs. Does everything you want but slowly. Hardly
complains about how you want it in bed. The kind of woman who is not
sexy, but gives you amazing satisfaction. You have tried several women,
but this one doesn’t get off your mind so you always go back to her. - PHP
- Slick and slim lady. Very portable. Does nice and amazing things with
her small body. Very good in aerobics. Not very sexy but intact. She is
the kind of women that most men are happy to wed, though she will need
a house maid because she is unable to carry heavy workload. - Ruby on Rails.
The new girl in town. Everybody is talking about her. Very beautiful
and sexy. Only daring men, because she is till new, have the guts to
ask her out. She is modern and sophisticated. Already a lot of myth is
surrounding her with regards to her ability. She is not talkative but
looks rather very intelligent. - C# -
The pimp from next door! She likes copying everything, from recipes to
makeup to fashion. She is never original and likes to still other
women’s ideas, then go about shouting that the ideas are hers. Those
who are not aware of her source of ideas think she is very intelligent.
She is very talkative and showy. Sometimes she is very good at
perfecting what she has copied. - Python -
The all complete lady who is the envy of the town. She came up with a
slick new way of dressing that made her a hit. Those who initially
scoffed at her new dressing later fell head over heals for it. She is
not talkative, but when she does a job, she does it very well. - Visual Basic (Popularly known as VB)
- The little bitch from next door. Probably the most dumb girl in town.
She never turns a man down and all the boys in the neighbourhood use
her as a training ground as they learn the ropes to adulthood. She
never practise safe sex and regularly infects the whole system with
memory leaks. Popularly known as VB, she is so loose a lot of fathers
have spanked their sons for dating her. However, it is amazing how
popular she is. Most men curse themselves once they taste lips of
mature and sweet women. A lot of men have struggled to maintain decent
relationships with mature women after being spoiled by this little
brat! She doesn’t have a clue how to cook a complete decent meal
without throwing up into the pot!
